Updated: Jul 28, 2020

Now that things are slowly inching their way back to a state of normalcy with restaurants, gyms and other businesses reopening, it feels impossible to go a day on sex work Twitter and not see discussions about body shaming (and in particular fat shaming) and about dissatisfaction with the effects quarantining has had on many people's bodies. It's not entirely surprising, Western culture, particularly America, has a a peculiar obsession with appearances and bodies. We also expect women in particular to always be looking our best and to maintain our exact same looks, weight and measurements no matter what. Even if we lose a large percentage of our income. Even if we're trapped inside for over two months. Even if we're in the middle of a global pandemic.

And sex workers are in a particularly looks/body focused industry so the pressure for us to maintain is intensified tenfold. So it's understandable that not only are we all feeling self conscious and acutely aware of how our bodies have changes to one extent or another, but that we would also want to take to a virtual public sphere like Twitter to express ourselves and connect with others going through something similar.

Here's the main issue, though: The sentiments that have been expressed most often are variations on "I've gotten so fat and and I need to lose weight," "Ew, I'm so fat," or "I feel so fat right now."

Often times too, there will be push back when someone points out that these sentiments are fat shaming. The response usually goes, "But I'm just talking about myself! I'm not passing judgment on anyone else! I'm just not happy where I am!"

There are a few different aspects of this to dissect here, so I'd like to take it one issue at a time. First of all, we're never really just talking about ourselves when we talk about our bodies. What we want our bodies to be and what we want them to look like doesn't exist in a vacuum; these expectations and desires are shaped by the culture in which we live. Does that mean we have no agency, or that we can't own any sort of desires we have about our bodies? No of course not. But we also can't pretend they exist completely organically either.

Secondly, we can't pretend the words we say don't matter. On an individual level no, seeing another provider on Twitter saying "I've gotten so fat! Gross!" may not affect me one way or the other. But when that sentiment about weight gain is in 90%+ of my feed, that is going to get to me. And it is just a thread of the tapestry that is the cultural phenomena of fat shaming.

This doesn't mean that we can't talk about our struggles with weight, body image and/or self consciousness. However, fat isn't a feeling; it's a judgment. "I feel so fat" is very often a stand in for "I feel ugly/undesirable/unworthy." Also who meets the criteria for fatness is relatively subjective. Some people may consider me fat, for example. Others won't. In the end, whether I'm fat or not isn't the point (so please, no emails, DMs or messages about how not fat I am. I get the impulse but it actually just feeds into the fatphobia I am addressing). The point is why should I be made to feel ugly/undesirable/unworthy because of it? It's ok for me to express discomfort or unhappiness with where my body is. Discomfort and unhappiness are emotions and therefore are inclusive and relatable to others of all shapes and sizes. It does not pass judgement on my particular body size or shape and therefore, does not pass judgment on anyone else.

And I personally do understand those feelings very personally. Before the lockdown, I was doing ballet barre four times a week. And while the numbers on the scale didn't go down too much, I was toning up and gaining muscle. I felt stronger, more graceful, more energetic and just overall more confident in my body than I've ever felt. Then the lockdown came and while I practiced barre and yoga intermittently in my apartment, it really wasn't the same as having regular classes and a community. Plus, I was overcome by depression, which this is a bit of a chicken or the egg situation, But in either case, I lost a lost of muscle definition during the lockdown and my self esteem definitely took a hit because of it.

And even there I have to be careful, because while it was great to find a form of exercise that didn't revolve around weight loss, part of what made me feel so much better about my body during that time was toning up and building particularly lean muscle, thus dropping about a size or two. If we lived in a culture that valued fatness over thinness, gaining that type of muscle may have made me feel ugly/undesirable/unworthy. So even though there were so many reasons I loved and continue to love barre that have nothing to do with my size or shape, I'd be lying if I said seeing my body slim down wasn't part and parcel to that confidence. To suggest or argue otherwise would be insensitive and tone deaf. In short, there's no way to be perfectly removed from cultural fatphobia. But we should always be mindful of it and do our best to modify our language and course correct whenever necessary.

And frankly, all of us are likely struggling with some discomfort and unhappiness with our bodies right now. This has been one of the most stressful, upsetting times in our collective history and our lives have been drastically changed because of it. So of course that's going to have an affect on our bodies, how we see them and how we treat them. And it's a shame that there is no collective sense of forgiveness or acceptance for bodies changing, particularly when it comes to women. We see this in other instances too. A woman does something that puts a tremendous amount of stress on her body like...I don't know GIVES BIRTH, and she's expected to "get her body back." Her body is still hers, it's just changed. And that should be not only OK, but fully embraced.

Finally, we should all be considerate of our discussions about our bodies not just because of the affect it could have within our communities, but we should be mindful of the affect it could have on potential clients as well. While I firmly stand by the assertion that women and others along the gender spectrum are the victims of body policing and shaming in a way men* just aren't, that doesn't mean men are immune to it. And in fact, men often don't have the societal space to speak about how their body image affects their self esteem. Just as we expect women and others along the spectrum to have their self worth fully entwined with their body image, we often expect men's to be completely detached from one another, and I for one know that's not true. In fact, I have had many, many clients speak to me about their insecurities over the years and have expressed that their sessions with me are the only safe spaces for them to express that.

It's honestly both heartwarming and heartbreaking to hear those sentiments. I always, always, always want to provide that space for all of my clients to feel welcomed. But it is sad that there is no room for men to talk about it with each other and in the public sphere at large. And while I can wish for that to change and do my part in advocating for it, I still will always use my unique position in their lives to give them an opportunity to speak about their very real struggles and insecurities that the world doesn't give them.

So to speak to my clients directly now, I want to say to all of you that, as Kurt Cobain famously sang: Come as you are. Not as you were or as the world wants you to be. But as you are. We all deserve a space wherein our bodies can be accepted exactly as they are. Even if they're imperfect. Even if they aren't exactly what you want them to be. Even if you don't always feel perfectly at home in it. You are still worthy of touch, intimacy and appreciation. So am I. So is everyone. And it's a marvelous experience to be able to offer someone that gift that I never, ever take for granted.

*Not all of my clients are men, but a vast majority of them are. This message of course applies to all my clients but since there is a difference in how men experience and express body image issues, I thought it was important to address that distinction.


I’ve been meaning to say something for a while about me, my business and my future plans for a little while now. I was getting ready at the end of May, but given everything that happened during that time especially with the protests for George Floyd and countless other Black people in our country, it wasn’t the appropriate time; there was something much larger than me going on, and it continues to go on at the time of this posting. I know I have to share though about what was going on with me during the lockdown and I plan to be unapologetically honest about everything.

But first things first: Black Lives Matter. Everything that has been happening in America right now has been a long, long time coming. We must dismantle white supremacy wholly and completely. That starts with defunding the police. Period, the end. It doesn’t matter if your neighborhood cop in your white suburban neighborhood raises money for a children’s charity. It doesn’t matter if you have a family member in the police force who is “one of the good ones.” This has been going on for far too long and too many Black Americans have either lost their lives, been severely injured and been traumatized by the police force and too many officers have not been held accountable. This cannot continue. I will continue to do everything I possibly can to amplify Black voices on social media, donate what money I can to bail funds and Black Lives Matter, keep reading and watching films that address racism so I can forever be more knowledgeable, and to have conversations with my fellow white people and call them out when I see racism happening in all its forms. And I know that as an ally, there is no end point. There is not enough I can do or say. We do this until. We do this until the broken systems are not just mended but abolished. And we put the opinions and feelings of Black people first. I do not mean for this declaration of my allyship to be performative, and I certainly do not want to use my platform to speak on this issue to ultimately benefit me over Black sex workers. I truly don’t, but I totally understand if my white privilege blinds me to seeing things clearly. So I welcome calling out or in. And if I miss the mark, now or in the future, I vow to correct it and to apologize. But I would be remiss if I didn’t address this first before talking about myself. This movement, these protests, what is happening right now is important and necessary. This is literal history in the making. I stand with Black Lives Matter. If you don’t, then move out of the way.

The revolution has come.

Onto a much less important topic: Me.

It’s hard to believe that the lockdown of Chicago began almost three months ago. It almost feels like ancient history at this point, even though it’s something that we currently are still grappling with. And it’s still really scary because there’s still so many unknowns about this disease, we’re still a long way from a vaccine and there are still people dying from it.

So here’s where some radical, unapologetic honesty comes into play. All of this sent me into a very deep depression. I know I am not the only one to have experienced it, especially among sex workers. It was extremely difficult to sit in limbo, not knowing when you can go back to in person work and if so, in what capacity.

It was also really difficult to reconceptualize an in person business model to a virtual one overnight. In fact, I couldn’t do it. Or perhaps I should rephrase that. I attempted to and ultimately failed. At least in my first couple of rounds.Many people think that the transfer should be easy, to go from in person sessions to posting erotic content online or offering virtual services. But for me, it’s been anything but. This is difficult to say in black and white, because it’s something that I get the feeling I’m not supposed to say. But here goes:

I don’t enjoy making content. At least not the content I was making. It was ultimately a panic response for me to make content again because I didn’t know when I would be able to go back to in person work. And it’s still tentative and fragile at best. But that doesn’t make me enjoy that particular type of sex work at all.

For one thing, my self esteem took a major hit while I filmed content. I don’t enjoy being on camera in general and I don’t enjoy the editing process. I get fixated on things I don’t like about my body in a way I never am during in person work. And with in person work, I have more than just my appearance to work with: my charm, my intelligence, my ability to carry a conversation, my flirtatious nature, the softness of my skin, my amazing back rub abilities...all of those all make for a very enjoyable holistic experience for clients during my sessions. My content though, not so much. It just felt, at least at the time, that all I had to compete was my body and what I was willing to do with it. And it became too much for me. I know I am a beautiful woman, but I am no 20 year old Instagram influencer who always has her makeup professionally done and never has a noticeable flaw. That’s just not who I am. I am a 35 year old striking, yet accessible woman who has insecurities about her body sometimes. Except during this time, “sometimes” became everyday.

And to add to that, everytime I would try to psych myself up, everytime I would try to remind myself that this industry takes all kinds, I would go onto social media to look for inspiration and reassurance. Only that backfired. Horribly. I would feel like literally every sex worker out there was better looking than me. Everyone. Younger, older, thinner, fatter, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, bigger ass, smaller ass, taller, shorter, femmer, butcher, more tattooed, less tattooed, blonder, brunetter, redder hair, longer hair, shorter get the idea. I would eventually just have to shut down the computer or turn off my phone and would need to just decompress after putting myself through such an exercise of self loathing. And please understand that when I say I felt like the ugliest sex worker out there I am not being hyperbolic. That’s truly how I felt. And furthermore, it felt that the only ways I could possibly not feel that way was to:

a) spend way more time and money on makeup (I had the time, but not the money or the energy)

b) get some cosmetic procedures done (not possible during the lockdown and not affordable)

c) invest in better filming, lighting and editing equipment/software (which again, couldn’t afford)

I’ll also add that my first foray into making content was when I first started in the sex industry at a (now defunct) commercial dungeon. While nobody forced anyone to do anything there, it was part of our essential duties to perform in videos whenever a client requested to be a video submissive (which was often since it was a much cheaper tribute for them). And we rarely received guidance on what kind of content to make; we were just told “the more extreme, the more it sells.” And this was before I was approved to take on private, in person sessions, mind you. So...I was just flying by the seat of my pants and just kind of guessing, trying to give the owner what they wanted while also keeping within my comfort zone. Often, the two sets of desires didn’t meet, so I defaulted to the former’s wishes. And did I mention that I was only paid a one time fee for making said videos? They remained up even after I left for a while and I never saw any residuals from them. Naturally, it left me a bit scarred and shaken, and I avoided content because of those bad memories for a long time. And it’s clear that I didn’t fully process them before the lockdown. But they certainly came flooding back during it.

Finally, I also just felt very creatively limited and didn’t want to try to compete with myself. It is difficult to do this type of content without any additional talent; you’re only reliant on yourself and frankly, it felt like if people are going to get bored with my content anyway, why keep trying? There’s only so much solo content people can do to stay fresh and interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I know many of my fellow sex workers have succeeded in that, and have succeeded beautifully. And I admire them so much for their confidence and creativity. But I just didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do it.

I kept trying to push myself, and I would have moments of feeling better about it than others. But ultimately, it was a mental crash and burn. And I just retreated back into myself again, and procrastinated and eventually became altogether avoidant.

This extended into forms of virtual work as well. I think I’ve made pretty clear my aversions to video work, but it also bled into phone and text work as well. I just frankly didn't have the energy for it. I tried to. I told myself I should. But I didn’t. I frankly didn’t feel sexy or desirable at the time, so it felt like I just had nothing to give to anyone.

I tried to talk myself out of it. Some of you may remember when I made an announcement on Twitter saying that I was ready to work again. In the end, that was me trying to talk myself into being ready again. But I wasn’t. I thought it would help me get motivated, but it didn’t work. I just wanted to sleep and cry all day. And that’s ultimately what I did for much of the months of April and May. And there were many people who tried to get in touch with me during that time, to either set up a virtual appointment or just send their well wishes that I neglected. And I do owe individual apologies for that, but still, here’s a blanket one too for good measure. I am sorry that I left you all hanging. I was not in a good place and it had nothing to do with you. You deserved better, and I'm sorry I couldn't deliver. I truly am.

I know though that my inability to be honest with both myself and my fans/clients/followers has led to disappointment and possible distrust. For that, I am truly sorry. I never meant to do that. I hope though that this provides some sort of understanding as to why I ultimately couldn’t follow through. This isn’t meant to excuse anything, but I hope that, along with the apologies owed, it is forgivable.

The one bright light at the end of this tunnel is I do believe I have found a way to make content and do a subscription based service that is true to me and will not cause this type of instantaneous burn out for me. It took me a while to figure out this new business plan and idea, but I eventually got there. And instead of envying all my other colleagues about how established they were already in the virtual world, or how quickly they were able to adapt, I have decided to just be happy for myself that I figured it out at all.

So with that, I will be rebranding my subscription based service, and it will be me discussing favorite books, authors, philosophies and various other intellectual topics while in sexy outfits or semi nude. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. I figure that will lead to many people unsubscribing. Hell, it may not work out at all. But I figure that there are people into that, and the people who are will be VERY interested. Plus there are many features, such as the live stream, that would work well with this. I will keep my subscription prices reasonable. I will post as often as I can, but I imagine each posting will be long (because I can obviously be quite verbose) so it probably will be once a week max. I may take custom requests here and there, but ultimately the only way for making content to work for me, the only way for me to feel comfortable with it, the only way for it not to remind me of my previous bad experiences, is to take control in this way and to make it work for me. If I fail, I fail. But at least I will fail doing it my way. I am not sure ultimately when the relaunch is happening, and I don’t want to make the mistake of prematurely announcing something that doesn’t happen. But make sure to check Twitter, as I’m sure that will be the first place it’s announced.

Finally, I did want to address one more thing. I have been in a state of mourning as well during all of this. I was mourning my life before the lockdown. I suppose we all have been. You see, I was really starting to feel great about my life. I was feeling like my business was in a really good place with a consistency and a client base that was truly making me happy. And I was feeling even better about my ability to tour and travel. That has always been an important part of my brand and my life. And that all came to a screeching halt. And I have been wanting to tour again. Badly. But obviously, it has been difficult to figure out when it would be safe to do so and in what capacity. Ideally, I would like to start touring again sometime in August. Fingers crossed I can make that happen.

I called this blog entry The New “Normal” because it’s a phrase that keeps getting thrown around right now, and it has been for a while. We’ve all had to figure out what our new normal is in one capacity or another. Some of us have had life carry on for the most part; we just had to work from home. Some of us have had to rebuild our lives from the ground up. Most of us fall somewhere in between this spectrum. And all of us have been just waiting this out, and making the best decisions we can at the time. It’s hard to have these discussions while trying to maintain and semblance of a “brand.” So sometimes, it’s better just to speak as yourself.

Thanks for reading.