I’ve been meaning to say something for a while about me, my business and my future plans for a little while now. I was getting ready at the end of May, but given everything that happened during that time especially with the protests for George Floyd and countless other Black people in our country, it wasn’t the appropriate time; there was something much larger than me going on, and it continues to go on at the time of this posting. I know I have to share though about what was going on with me during the lockdown and I plan to be unapologetically honest about everything.
But first things first: Black Lives Matter. Everything that has been happening in America right now has been a long, long time coming. We must dismantle white supremacy wholly and completely. That starts with defunding the police. Period, the end. It doesn’t matter if your neighborhood cop in your white suburban neighborhood raises money for a children’s charity. It doesn’t matter if you have a family member in the police force who is “one of the good ones.” This has been going on for far too long and too many Black Americans have either lost their lives, been severely injured and been traumatized by the police force and too many officers have not been held accountable. This cannot continue. I will continue to do everything I possibly can to amplify Black voices on social media, donate what money I can to bail funds and Black Lives Matter, keep reading and watching films that address racism so I can forever be more knowledgeable, and to have conversations with my fellow white people and call them out when I see racism happening in all its forms. And I know that as an ally, there is no end point. There is not enough I can do or say. We do this until. We do this until the broken systems are not just mended but abolished. And we put the opinions and feelings of Black people first. I do not mean for this declaration of my allyship to be performative, and I certainly do not want to use my platform to speak on this issue to ultimately benefit me over Black sex workers. I truly don’t, but I totally understand if my white privilege blinds me to seeing things clearly. So I welcome calling out or in. And if I miss the mark, now or in the future, I vow to correct it and to apologize. But I would be remiss if I didn’t address this first before talking about myself. This movement, these protests, what is happening right now is important and necessary. This is literal history in the making. I stand with Black Lives Matter. If you don’t, then move out of the way.
The revolution has come.
Onto a much less important topic: Me.
It’s hard to believe that the lockdown of Chicago began almost three months ago. It almost feels like ancient history at this point, even though it’s something that we currently are still grappling with. And it’s still really scary because there’s still so many unknowns about this disease, we’re still a long way from a vaccine and there are still people dying from it.
So here’s where some radical, unapologetic honesty comes into play. All of this sent me into a very deep depression. I know I am not the only one to have experienced it, especially among sex workers. It was extremely difficult to sit in limbo, not knowing when you can go back to in person work and if so, in what capacity.
It was also really difficult to reconceptualize an in person business model to a virtual one overnight. In fact, I couldn’t do it. Or perhaps I should rephrase that. I attempted to and ultimately failed. At least in my first couple of rounds.Many people think that the transfer should be easy, to go from in person sessions to posting erotic content online or offering virtual services. But for me, it’s been anything but. This is difficult to say in black and white, because it’s something that I get the feeling I’m not supposed to say. But here goes:
I don’t enjoy making content. At least not the content I was making. It was ultimately a panic response for me to make content again because I didn’t know when I would be able to go back to in person work. And it’s still tentative and fragile at best. But that doesn’t make me enjoy that particular type of sex work at all.
For one thing, my self esteem took a major hit while I filmed content. I don’t enjoy being on camera in general and I don’t enjoy the editing process. I get fixated on things I don’t like about my body in a way I never am during in person work. And with in person work, I have more than just my appearance to work with: my charm, my intelligence, my ability to carry a conversation, my flirtatious nature, the softness of my skin, my amazing back rub abilities...all of those all make for a very enjoyable holistic experience for clients during my sessions. My content though, not so much. It just felt, at least at the time, that all I had to compete was my body and what I was willing to do with it. And it became too much for me. I know I am a beautiful woman, but I am no 20 year old Instagram influencer who always has her makeup professionally done and never has a noticeable flaw. That’s just not who I am. I am a 35 year old striking, yet accessible woman who has insecurities about her body sometimes. Except during this time, “sometimes” became everyday.
And to add to that, everytime I would try to psych myself up, everytime I would try to remind myself that this industry takes all kinds, I would go onto social media to look for inspiration and reassurance. Only that backfired. Horribly. I would feel like literally every sex worker out there was better looking than me. Everyone. Younger, older, thinner, fatter, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, bigger ass, smaller ass, taller, shorter, femmer, butcher, more tattooed, less tattooed, blonder, brunetter, redder hair, longer hair, shorter hair...you get the idea. I would eventually just have to shut down the computer or turn off my phone and would need to just decompress after putting myself through such an exercise of self loathing. And please understand that when I say I felt like the ugliest sex worker out there I am not being hyperbolic. That’s truly how I felt. And furthermore, it felt that the only ways I could possibly not feel that way was to:
a) spend way more time and money on makeup (I had the time, but not the money or the energy)
b) get some cosmetic procedures done (not possible during the lockdown and not affordable)
c) invest in better filming, lighting and editing equipment/software (which again, couldn’t afford)
I’ll also add that my first foray into making content was when I first started in the sex industry at a (now defunct) commercial dungeon. While nobody forced anyone to do anything there, it was part of our essential duties to perform in videos whenever a client requested to be a video submissive (which was often since it was a much cheaper tribute for them). And we rarely received guidance on what kind of content to make; we were just told “the more extreme, the more it sells.” And this was before I was approved to take on private, in person sessions, mind you. So...I was just flying by the seat of my pants and just kind of guessing, trying to give the owner what they wanted while also keeping within my comfort zone. Often, the two sets of desires didn’t meet, so I defaulted to the former’s wishes. And did I mention that I was only paid a one time fee for making said videos? They remained up even after I left for a while and I never saw any residuals from them. Naturally, it left me a bit scarred and shaken, and I avoided content because of those bad memories for a long time. And it’s clear that I didn’t fully process them before the lockdown. But they certainly came flooding back during it.
Finally, I also just felt very creatively limited and didn’t want to try to compete with myself. It is difficult to do this type of content without any additional talent; you’re only reliant on yourself and frankly, it felt like if people are going to get bored with my content anyway, why keep trying? There’s only so much solo content people can do to stay fresh and interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I know many of my fellow sex workers have succeeded in that, and have succeeded beautifully. And I admire them so much for their confidence and creativity. But I just didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do it.
I kept trying to push myself, and I would have moments of feeling better about it than others. But ultimately, it was a mental crash and burn. And I just retreated back into myself again, and procrastinated and eventually became altogether avoidant.
This extended into forms of virtual work as well. I think I’ve made pretty clear my aversions to video work, but it also bled into phone and text work as well. I just frankly didn't have the energy for it. I tried to. I told myself I should. But I didn’t. I frankly didn’t feel sexy or desirable at the time, so it felt like I just had nothing to give to anyone.
I tried to talk myself out of it. Some of you may remember when I made an announcement on Twitter saying that I was ready to work again. In the end, that was me trying to talk myself into being ready again. But I wasn’t. I thought it would help me get motivated, but it didn’t work. I just wanted to sleep and cry all day. And that’s ultimately what I did for much of the months of April and May. And there were many people who tried to get in touch with me during that time, to either set up a virtual appointment or just send their well wishes that I neglected. And I do owe individual apologies for that, but still, here’s a blanket one too for good measure. I am sorry that I left you all hanging. I was not in a good place and it had nothing to do with you. You deserved better, and I'm sorry I couldn't deliver. I truly am.
I know though that my inability to be honest with both myself and my fans/clients/followers has led to disappointment and possible distrust. For that, I am truly sorry. I never meant to do that. I hope though that this provides some sort of understanding as to why I ultimately couldn’t follow through. This isn’t meant to excuse anything, but I hope that, along with the apologies owed, it is forgivable.
The one bright light at the end of this tunnel is I do believe I have found a way to make content and do a subscription based service that is true to me and will not cause this type of instantaneous burn out for me. It took me a while to figure out this new business plan and idea, but I eventually got there. And instead of envying all my other colleagues about how established they were already in the virtual world, or how quickly they were able to adapt, I have decided to just be happy for myself that I figured it out at all.
So with that, I will be rebranding my subscription based service, and it will be me discussing favorite books, authors, philosophies and various other intellectual topics while in sexy outfits or semi nude. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. I figure that will lead to many people unsubscribing. Hell, it may not work out at all. But I figure that there are people into that, and the people who are will be VERY interested. Plus there are many features, such as the live stream, that would work well with this. I will keep my subscription prices reasonable. I will post as often as I can, but I imagine each posting will be long (because I can obviously be quite verbose) so it probably will be once a week max. I may take custom requests here and there, but ultimately the only way for making content to work for me, the only way for me to feel comfortable with it, the only way for it not to remind me of my previous bad experiences, is to take control in this way and to make it work for me. If I fail, I fail. But at least I will fail doing it my way. I am not sure ultimately when the relaunch is happening, and I don’t want to make the mistake of prematurely announcing something that doesn’t happen. But make sure to check Twitter, as I’m sure that will be the first place it’s announced.
Finally, I did want to address one more thing. I have been in a state of mourning as well during all of this. I was mourning my life before the lockdown. I suppose we all have been. You see, I was really starting to feel great about my life. I was feeling like my business was in a really good place with a consistency and a client base that was truly making me happy. And I was feeling even better about my ability to tour and travel. That has always been an important part of my brand and my life. And that all came to a screeching halt. And I have been wanting to tour again. Badly. But obviously, it has been difficult to figure out when it would be safe to do so and in what capacity. Ideally, I would like to start touring again sometime in August. Fingers crossed I can make that happen.
I called this blog entry The New “Normal” because it’s a phrase that keeps getting thrown around right now, and it has been for a while. We’ve all had to figure out what our new normal is in one capacity or another. Some of us have had life carry on for the most part; we just had to work from home. Some of us have had to rebuild our lives from the ground up. Most of us fall somewhere in between this spectrum. And all of us have been just waiting this out, and making the best decisions we can at the time. It’s hard to have these discussions while trying to maintain and semblance of a “brand.” So sometimes, it’s better just to speak as yourself.
Thanks for reading.